Below are the 50 most recent journal entries recorded in Sarah's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, July 16th, 2009
Thursday, July 16th, 2009	I think once I had something like genius cradled in my hand a featherless bird of a thing I traded all my tears and all my words happiness seems dumber (mute-er) my angry shaking fist has slackened listless, my words stumble to a halt.
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Thursday, June 12th, 2008
Thursday, June 12th, 2008	we lie we lie you and I awake in the muttering dawn your smile so bright that the room shies from it the windowpane wavers with sun upon it we lie you and I awake in the muttering dawn we lie you and I to each other ourselves and the world shaping our lives from shards into curls pretending our jagged-glass words are pearls we lie you and I to each other ourselves and the world
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Thursday, June 12th, 2008	A Question of Faith Lately, I've been thinking a lot about faith. I wish I had more of it-I lack faith in myself, not to mention faith in a higher power. I was once a very spiritual person and now I feel like my belief in things has slipped away from me; I love my son dearly but his birth has not renewed my belief in God. Often I feel that if there is a God, He isn't taking very good care of us! We are good people and our lives are HARD...I wish I could be one of those who gives my troubles up and knows that someone will handle my worries. The fact that I have to be the handler of worries for my son just emphasizes my feeling of spiritual drought...I'm wandering, I know. With my upcoming marriage I feel a desperate need to reclaim the unwavering belief that used to fill me...I don't even know where to start. Current Mood: pensive
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Thursday, June 12th, 2008	Larry the Cable Guy goes to the lake.
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Friday, April 4th, 2008
Friday, April 4th, 2008	So el bambino is finally sleeping-he's exhausted, poor little dude. He had a verrrrrry cranky morning and totally wore himself out. I took him to the park yesterday-he swung on the swings and loved it! He giggled the whole time. I haven't written anything in a long time-I'm a victim of "mommy brain" which makes me basically non-functional on a cerebral level. sometimes we're reaching with sleep-leaded lids fatigue-drenched arms blindly creeping towards tomorrow if I were ivy I'd never stop climbing my feet would be planted my veins would be vining as I stretched towards the sun with my roots entwining I know neither of them are any good, and I really don't like rhyming poetry. It's harder to channel the melodic cynic in my soul these days now that it's no longer drenched in nicotine and veiled with insomnia.
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Saturday, March 4th, 2006
Saturday, March 4th, 2006	North Carolinaaaaaa! That would be where I am (it's also a song by Pety Pablo that gets stuck in my head EVERY TIME I tell somebody where I live...dammit). Yeah, I moved to North Carolina. Not by myself...with Kelly. It's warm here...sandals in March rock my socks...except literally...because socks with sandals are for OLD MEN. Yes, I'm babbling...but what else is new? So, how is everybody? TELL ME!!! (please). I miss y'all like whoa, especially one girl with initials A.E.A. (yes Dave I miss you too even though I didn't put your initials, and that's because you won't tell anyone what your middle name is, so I don't know your initials!) Well if anyone wants to call me, I have the celly still, and the same #, so if you forgot it...ask me. I'll tell ya if I like ya (and know you...I don't need any stalkers, thanks). Ciao for now.
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Sunday, December 25th, 2005
Sunday, December 25th, 2005	when you get down to the bottom of my voice that's where I'll slick sweet-talk you cage you send you looking skyward mulling on my vocal rumblings blind yourself on my teeth
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Sunday, December 25th, 2005	Breath Control now we're lines of milk-fed shimmer white nuclei falling over glimpses of phrase trying to untangle our tongues enough to explain our epiphanies soft-sweet sweating twos climb and intertwine my legs to your torso over our fatigue you make me a dilated pupil wide open and trusting fragile for you.
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Sunday, December 25th, 2005	Well...it's Christmas again. Kelly and I came down from E. Hardwick last night...he's gone back already because he had to work. I'm not going back until Tuesday..shopping with the sister tomorrow. Good times even if it is hectic. Current Mood: peaceful Current Music: The Cars-My Best Friend's Girl
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Thursday, October 27th, 2005
Thursday, October 27th, 2005	Two Names You Go By 1. Sarah 2. Marvin Two Parts of Your Heritage 1. French 2. English Two Things That Scare You 1. Suicide 2. Bugs Two of Your Everyday Essentials 1. Shower 2. Toothbrush Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now 1. Mountain Goats t-shirt 2. Levi's Two of Your Favorite Bands or Musical Artists (at the moment) 1. The Mountain Goats 2. Sage Francis Two of Your Favorite Songs - at the moment 1. "Soul Meets Body"-Death Cab for Cutie 2. "Breathe"-Anna Nalick Two Things You Want in a Relationship (other than Real Love) 1. Trust 2. Happiness Two Truths 1. I don't do laundry nearly as often as I should. 2. I want to be a surgeon (but I NEVER want to grow up). Two Physical Things that Appeal to You 1. good shape 2. well-groomed Two of Your Favorite Hobbies 1. Writing 2. Snowboarding Two Things You Want Really Badly 1. More money 2. My car fixed Two Places You Want to go on Vacation 1. Italy 2. Jamaica Two Things You Want to Do Before You Die 1. See Italy 2. Own a house Two Ways that you are stereotypically a Chick/Guy 1. I take the blame for everything. 2. I love guys. Two Things You Normally Wouldn't Admit 1. I take a lot more shit from people than I ought to. 2. I overreact a lot. Two Things You Are Thinking About Now 1. How nuts my boyfriend is. 2. How I shouldn't eat the rest of the bag of potato chips that's sitting in front of me. Two Stores You Shop At 1. Um....erm....vans.com 2. the Salvation Army. Two people I would like to see take this quiz 1. anybody 2. anybody else Two people I haven't talked to in a while! 1. Greg 2. Dave
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Friday, October 21st, 2005
Friday, October 21st, 2005	it isn't early isn't late but it's still too early to miss you too late to see you too much tomorrow to dwell on today and we're missing and lost and too late to be early.
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Friday, October 21st, 2005	While I wait for David or 5:45, whichever arrives first. Sunday was about as bi-polar as my brain, but so interesting that I find a pressing need to tell you of it. I was home with my family for all of Sunday, or rather, in the presence of family. I spent most of my Sunday riding or driving in a car to and from Hardwick, which is where I live at the moment. I arrived back home Sunday afternoon intending to collect my belongings and situate myself elsewhere (David had been angry at me and other things and decided that the best way to deal with said situation would be to make my life a living hell, something he does deftly and without much guilt, much to my dismay). However, when I called him on the phone to tell him this piece of information, he was puzzled and rather hurt, telling me that ending our relationship wasn't something that he wanted at all. I agreed to travel back to the house (this is a two-hour drive, mind you, no small task when you're tired and recovering from the stomach flu) and talk to him. When I arrived he told me he had missed me and didn't want me to leave, and also agreed to the terms I laid out for him regarding our relationship. Figuring I had nothing to lose, I wasn't hesitant to throw down a few ultimatums. In return, he made a few of his own, and we agreed to re-embark on our relationship journey with new boundaries in mind and in the air. I got back to the house around eight, and we didn't do much at all for awhile. When his mother left for work, around ten, we chopped up nearly an eighth of mushrooms and made tea, and proceeded to trip face for the next four hours or so. David had never taken mushrooms and his behavior was priceless; he kept asking me if the things he was seeing and hearing were real, as he couldn't tell for himself. (They usually were, but they were abnormally funny anyway). We went to bed at about 2 AM and didn't get out of bed until late the next afternoon. Our relationship has been progressing smoothly and without incident ever since...it's like he's a different person, but I don't object. He's different in a good way. Anyway, that was Sunday. Monday through Thursday was mostly uneventful aside from a game of strip poker that was highly entertaining. I have to work tonight and am not looking forward to it, but I also intend to come home after and convince David to rub my back (yeah, right). So ends a week that's been better than most. Signing off.
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Thursday, October 13th, 2005
Thursday, October 13th, 2005	you swung the car door open with a smile that could hold up a Seven-Eleven glowed dangerous and sharp like you'd been eating glass our problem is that you are of this world and I don't want to be you have no real contentions anymore everyone watched you make your (metaphorical) bed and you won't just lay so you lie through your glass-shard teeth and hold up my heart like a cheap Seven-Eleven souveneir.
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Thursday, October 13th, 2005	so trace the paths for where you thought we'd go see how far our tree has branched out from its trunk we've split and there's no lightning metaphor so sleep-away and tell me nothing truncated tales make our conversations and we're a felled forest.
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Wednesday, October 12th, 2005
Wednesday, October 12th, 2005	He says: I want someone that's caring, honest and charming. Someone I can laugh with. Someone who will love me for who I am. I can be that.
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Wednesday, October 5th, 2005
Wednesday, October 5th, 2005	we were twin long forms after I talked you down you let me touch you without pushing me away are you afraid to love me or afraid that I won't love you back?
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Wednesday, October 5th, 2005	I can still smell you on my fingers your skin beneath my nails I want to scrub my hands raw but instead I lie despondent in our sex-stained sheets so I can feel you.
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Wednesday, October 5th, 2005	Random shards Some three-AM revelation came to me before dawn breathed on the windows; early it trickled through the stress and the fatigue. Still, it lingers in the head-stage, where I don't know it down to the ground. Through the subconscious teachings of my mother, I cling to things that are bound and determined to die. I'm so convinced of my own inability to function as a single entity, I travel from man to man like an electrical impulse leaping neuron-electron-neuron. Positive-negative-positive. Two AM arguments and the car sputters awake when the cold of midnight still lingers in the seats and on the keys. We're trapped in our own incompetence and my desire to escape still isn't as great as my desire to be loved by someone who has forgotten how to love. I'm sitting on the edge of our bed listening to my boyfriend practice lying to his parole officer. The words seem to fall out of his mouth; they are his own and convincing enough because they need to be so that we can sleep assured of our safety, at least for the night. The stakes are high for him; if he's convincing, he keeps his freedom. If he isn't, he goes to jail. Two years of jail. He wouldn't walk away an old man, but he would walk away a hardened one. A man shackled by fear isn't a man at all. He is Alex from A Clockwork Orange, a living breathing machine-man ruled solely by the desires of others. My nails are running up and down his back biting into his skin while he shakes and mutters, and afterwards, we make love. It's the first time we have done so. Not the first time we've had sex, no. It's the first time we've done anything with passion; the only time we've been seeking something less tangible than physical pleasure. This time, I breathe his breath and taste his sweat. It will be the only time I do so; passion and fear are very close, and he rarely acknowledges either.
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Thursday, September 29th, 2005
Thursday, September 29th, 2005	Les questions tres important (that was ALL French, minus les accents corrige). 1. My uncle once: Wrapped his truck around a telephone pole and bent it into a U. (the truck). 2. Never in my life: have I dated a felon...until now. 3. When I was five: I lived in a trailer with my parents. 4. High School was/is: mostly pointless and saturated in drugs. 6. I once met: A guy who claimed to have thirteen children. 7. There's this girl I know who: Should be shot. 8. Once, at a bar: My friend Stevie got thrown out (literally) by the bouncer. 9. By noon I'm usually: awake. 10. Last night: I watched half an hour of Dazed and Confused before the DVD got stuck and we gave up and went to bed. 12. Next time I go to church: I'll either be at a wedding or a funeral. 13. Terry Schiavo: was way over-publicized. 15. When I turn my head left, A blue wall with a crucifix on it. 16. When I turn my head right, I see: the couch. 18. How many days until my birthday?: like...eight months. 19. If I was a character written by Shakespeare: I'd be terribly bored unless I was crazy. 20. By this time next year: I'll be living in an apartment with David. 21. A better name for me would be: Oh, I don't know. 22. I have a hard time understanding: Why my boyfriend does nine-tenths of the things he does. 23. If I ever go back to school I'll: Have to take out more loans. 24. You know I like you if: I attempt to hang out with you one-on-one. 25. If I won an award, the first person I'd thank would be: bob the biker hippie. 26. Darwin, Mozart, Slim Pickens & Geraldine Ferraro: This spectrum travels neatly from genius to insanity. How suspiciously convenient. 27. Take my advice: Use your e-brake when you park on a hill. 28. My ideal breakfast is: a bagel...I suppose. 29. A song I love, but do not have is: Fall Out Boy: Sugar, We're Goin' Down. 30. If you visit my hometown, I suggest: You turn around and go somewhere that the roads are paved. 31. Tulips, character flaws, microchips & track stars: all have room for improvement. 32. Why won't anyone: give me a cigarette? 33. If you spend the night at my house: you'd have to fight the dog for the couch. 34. I'd stop my wedding if: it turned out my fiance was really a robot from Mars. 35. The world could do without: paranoia and racism. 36. I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: lick the belly of two cockroaches. 37. My favorite blonde is: my little sister. (aw). 38. Paper clips are more useful than: marshmallows. 39. If I do anything well, it's: usually a surprise to everyone including me. 40. And by the way: I have to pee again. Dammit. 41. The last time I was drunk, I: Wasn't as drunk as I wanted to be. Then I threw up in a paper cup....ewwwwwwwwww.
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Thursday, September 29th, 2005	Goddamn you half-Japanese girls Do it to me every time Oh, the redhead said you shred the cello And I'm jello, baby But you won't talk, won't look, won't think of me I'm the epitome of public enemy Why you wanna go and do me like that? Come down on the street and dance with me I'm a lot like you so please, hello, I'm here, I'm waiting I think I'd be good for you and you'd be good for me I asked you to go to the Green Day concert You said you never heard of them (how cool is that) How cool is that? So I went to your room and read your diary: Watching Grunge leg drop New-Jack through a presstable... And then my heart stopped: Listening to Cio-Cio San, fall in love all over again. I'm a lot like you so please, hello, I'm here, I'm waiting I think I'd be good for you and you'd be good for me How stupid is it? I can't talk about it I gotta sing about it and make a record of my heart How stupid is it? Won't you gimme a minute Just come up to me And say hello to my heart How stupid is it? For all I know you want me too And maybe you just don't know what to do Or maybe you're scared to say: 'I'm falling for you' I wish I could get my head out of the sand Cos I think we'd make a good team And you would keep my fingernails clean But that's just a stupid dream that I won't realize Cos I can't even look in your eyes without shaking, and I ain't faking I'll bring home the turkey if you bring home the bacon I'm a lot like you so please, hello, I'm here, I'm waiting I think I'd be good for you and you'd be good for me I'm a lot like you I'm a lot like you I'm a lot like you And I'm waiting I think I'd be good for you and you'd be good for me
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Thursday, September 29th, 2005	Dios mio! Life is as confusing as ever. My boyfriend is currently missing...last seen wandering a golf course in the rain. (Okay, so I left him there...but I told him I would, and he said he'd make his own way home). Now, he's totally not where he's supposed to be, which wouldn't worry me so much if it weren't a condition of his parole. As it is, he needs to go the places he says he will, or he goes to jail for two years. Yeppers, that's not an amount of time to joke about. No, he wouldn't get out early for good behavior; the condition of his parole is that if he violates any of the terms of his probation, he serves his minimum. He's been sanctioned twice already...three strikes and you're out. I hope I just missed him...rrgghh. Oh well, he'll be home by eight...he has to be. He doesn't fuck around with that, at least. I have a job, but it's only part-time at the Hardwick diner. I wash dishes. (ew). I applied for a housekeeping (I always think of David Spade going "'ousekeeping!" in Tommy Boy when I say that word) job at Top Notch resort in Stowe. It's a very good job with excellent benefits including dental, medical and a 401k after 3 months. After six months, they pay seventy percent of your medical expenses. That'd be nice. Nice nice nice. Alrighty, I'm madd tired, though it's early. Off to go give myself cancer and such, I suppose. (Must stay awake until eight...dammit).
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Friday, September 23rd, 2005
Friday, September 23rd, 2005	Picture! There's just one picture here. For any of you who happened to be wondering what David looks like, here's a pic that his aunt took when we went camping. (Those of you who know me personally should look anyway, so that you can be shocked and possibly appalled at the amount of makeup I'm wearing. Beware, it's a helluva lot). ( Awww...or eek.... )
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Friday, September 23rd, 2005	Poetry You, babydoll somehow now I'm all the things I said "I'll never" to. Some sex-scented pandering homebody you should hear how I catch myself time and again. It's you, babydoll In my head in my breath in my blood. It's your ground-down teeth and sleep-drenched laughter. The way you know just what you can say. You'll never say "I love you" probably. You'll never leave me, though. I'm settled now; settled into something that we both see as safety. I'll be your safety-net I'll be your orgasm machine. Only for you, babydoll. Current Mood: calm Current Music: nuttin'
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Tuesday, September 20th, 2005
Tuesday, September 20th, 2005	LJ Interests meme results big and rich: A goofy country band that does that song "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy". I grew up in a hick town, so my life was pretty saturated with country music. Big and Rich just make me laugh, and they remind me of good times at college. (I'm not against riding cowboys, either!) chillin': I think this one is self-explanatory. dancing: Also pretty self-explanatory. I like to go clubbing and have a good time, but I also did modern dance for four years and I dabbled in African dance as well. eyes: The eyes are the window to the soul. Everyone's eyes are different, and I think that they're the most beautiful part of any body. lying in bed: I love beds. Whenever I lie there, I think of the Edwin McCain song "I'll Be" and the line "Rain falls, angry on the tin roof, as we lie awake in my bed". The ambiguity of the statement, as well as the image, gets me every time. nirvana: THE greatest grunge-rock band ever. And Kurt Cobain is a sexy sexy man, I don't care what anyone else says. protesting: I'm a vocal person, what can I say? skipping school: Doesn't really apply, since I'm not in school any more. snowboarding: I haven't really been snowboarding in about a year, but it's one of my passions (though I'm not very good). I have a Burton snowboard and lots of Burton gear (support your local businesses, people!) I subscribe to Snowboarding magazine, and I watch the X-Games every year. the cheesecake factory: The best place to get any kind of cheesecake you could imagine. Enter your LJ user name, and 10 interests will be selected from your interest list.
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Wednesday, September 14th, 2005
Wednesday, September 14th, 2005	Well, this weekend was mildly exciting. Friday night David and I stayed over at his cousin Matt's house, and did many illegal things (VERY illegal for David, but that's beside the point) and didn't go to bed until 6 AM. Saturday, I was cleaning out my car, and I went to go ask Matt where I ought to put the garbage...when I turned around again, the car was gone. GONE. I went running back...scene was as follows. Me: "MATT! MAAAAAAAAAATT! The car is rolling down the HILLLLLL!" Matt: "WTF????" (Matt and Sarah go hurtling toward the car). David: "What's going on? What are you...OH SHIT!" All three: "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" (Sounds of crashing and breaking glass). So, the car had raced itself down a hill and into the neighbor's garage, going about 40 mph. Yep, 40. I was...less than delighted, let's just say. The car, being a total tank, is pretty much fine; it broke a headlight and the hood got a little bent. The garage is totalled. The entire door got taken out along with the corner of the garage. Luckily, I'm insured. Sunday, I went to go see my parents. I took David along, since he'd never met them blah blah blah. They gave me a check for $200. Awfully nice of them. I also got a refund check from my college (former college) for $410.27. I was quite pleased, since I was really really broke and needed the money. I'm still really really broke and need money, but I don't owe quite so much money now. Thank goodness. So that was my much-too-eventful weekend. David no longer trusts me anywhere near my car, and I can't say I blame him. Eeep.
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Friday, September 9th, 2005
Friday, September 9th, 2005	Well, in case everyone is wondering, I haven't died. I've just been offline for...a very very long time. What a pity. It's weird, really, not having internet access, but I don't mind it. My cell phone doesn't work here either, so I don't have much contact with the outside world. For those of you who are wondering where "here" is, that location would be Hardwick, Vermont. I've moved here from my parent's house; it's about two and a half hours away. I live with my boyfriend, David Sharron, his mom Kim and stepdad Dave, and his younger brother and sister, Jason and Kelsi. The house is little but it works out okay, even though I have to store all of my stuff on the porch since it doesn't fit in David's room. (The only thing there really is in his room is a bed, a stereo, and a television. There isn't even a dresser because one wouldn't fit.) I have a car that STILL isn't paid for; I'll probably have to borrow money from my parents because I am most certainly having money troubles at the moment. David and I plan on living with his parents until March and then we're going to move out. That's about all that's been going on with my life right now. Oh, anyone who wants my new phone number, leave a comment here and I'll give it to ya.
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Friday, August 19th, 2005
Friday, August 19th, 2005	Best quote ever, taken from mock_the_stupid. "I was paying attention! I was just paying it to...my...shoelaces!"
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Friday, August 19th, 2005	Well time for a biiiiig update, with regards to my life plans. I'm moving tomorrow, up to Hardwick VT. I'm moving in with my boyfriend's family, into their tiny, tiny house. I'll also be getting a full-time job up there. David (the boyfriend) is going to help me pay off my car, since I'll be driving him around quite a bit (he doesn't have his license privileges at present). We both intend to work full-time and have enough money to get an apartment by next March or April. It'll be quite an adventure, but a good one, I think. If not, I can always move again (yeah, right). The drive up there tomorrow should be..interesting...since I've somehow managed to pull a large muscle in my shoulder and it's hurting like hell all the time. I have a two-hour drive; that'll make the shoulders feel loverly. I'm getting up early tomorrow, like around eight, and I want to be out of here by 8:30 or so. This should put me in Hardwick by about 11, since I have to stop for gas first in Bristol. I also need to have enough time to eat breakfast so I can take my meds. Otherwise I'd be a nutter, and there are enough of them on the road as it is. This getting-up-early business also means bedtime early tonight, a little after ten or so (have to call David first to arrange things, and he doesn't get home from AA until about quarter of ten or so). So if you want to call or AIM me, do it before then! Otherwise, I'll talk to many of you lovely people soon, I hope. Current Music: The air freshener humming (mmm-mmm)
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Friday, August 19th, 2005	1. Go here. 2. Pass it on. ( my answers )
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Thursday, August 18th, 2005
Thursday, August 18th, 2005	MY COMPUTER HAS RETURNED! This means that I now have my files and my music! (Thank goodness, my music). I celebrated by listening to the Cure and dancing about wildly. I'm so overjoyed, I'm going to stay up and wait for David to get back from his AA meeting so I can call him, even though I'm tired. The return of my music has given me new energy, it seems. ETA: I also have Ben and Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk ice cream. It really doesn't get any better than this.
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Wednesday, August 17th, 2005
Wednesday, August 17th, 2005	milk-white defiance splintering into toothpick surety still-life bravado echoed in the empty rooms of our awkwardness our gamboling speeches' gait bated every sentence I watched you cough you watched me breathe somewhere along my spine a candle lit.
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Tuesday, August 16th, 2005
Tuesday, August 16th, 2005	All right, this could be an adventure to surpass my wildest dreams. (Hopefully not, but you never really know now, do you?) I am...terrible at following directions. (Driving directions, that is. Other types of directions are usually easy). On Saturday morning, I have to drive to Hardwick, which is rather on the other side of VT. It's about a 2-hour drive. Not too bad, but the chances of my getting lost are particularly high. I'll have my cell phone with me so that I can call David in a panic when I do get lost (notice I didn't say "if") and get him to redirect me. Hopefully, you won't be reading of my accidental journey to Canada in Livejournal next week. Wish me luck...I'm gonna need it!
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Tuesday, August 16th, 2005	it's swallowed all you up stately mouthing wounds' preoccupations what you were replacing takes the gap and throws it down we're gauntlet-fisted arias primal simian and venutian alien eyes abysmally contemptuous snake-trap me with your cigarette-crackle voice we're all beginners. * * * we all come with some sort of baggage sometimes just a little mostly; more than that those who don't will be vapid and shallow or lying do you want a liar? and I know about your gun-mouth you told me how the barrel tasted and you say I'm too much your metal-lipped kisses are tainting my breath.
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Monday, August 15th, 2005
Monday, August 15th, 2005	Hahaha Best slogan for BC pills ever: "They'll put some "donk" in your ba-donk-a-donk".
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Sunday, August 14th, 2005
Sunday, August 14th, 2005	I want it to be Saturday. SATURDAY, I say! (I miss my David, yes I do).
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Sunday, August 14th, 2005	I want David. I want to escape from my family and my old friends and this small-town mentality that squeezes my cranium into an awful caricature. I want a house of my own. I want children. I don't want to go to college. I'm educated enough for me, at least for now. I don't want to date a Marine (or an aspiring Marine). I don't ever want to see them (they know who they are) again. I want to stop arguing. I want to stop shaking. I want to lay on the beach and soak up the sun and go home with a sunburn. I want to quit my job. I want to cut my hair. I want to throw most of my material possessions away so I don't have to pack them in boxes and lug them down to my parent's basement where they'll decay until I get an apartment and come and fetch them to decay in my own basement. I don't want to leave my house with my mother angry behind me. I want a kitten. I want my cell phone bill, my medication bill and my insurance bill(s) to go down. I want something that's concrete. I want it to be Saturday.
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Saturday, August 13th, 2005
Saturday, August 13th, 2005	Drawink Here's a charcoal portrait I did...the little girl is Afghani. ( Sulky Child )
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Saturday, August 13th, 2005	I'm baaaaaaack! I'm back! Didja miss me? Didja? Anyway, I was in the hospital. Yep, the psych ward. It happens sometimes; I checked myself in and I'm more medicated now. I'm also much more stable. I'm moving this weekend; in with my friend Denise. She lives a couple hours away from my parents house and she's going to get me a job at the pharmacy where she works. I feel a lot better now, and I'm glad I went. It'll be my last week as an assembly line flunky, which I don't mind either. That job just...drags me down a lot more than I was aware. I got a paycheck from work, and it's about THREE HUNDRED dollars more than I expected. I'm delighted. That means I'll have enough money to get my car registered AND insured...yippee! So life is all right now....how's everyone else?
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Tuesday, August 2nd, 2005
Tuesday, August 2nd, 2005	To amuse myself. ( This is an idea gathered from someone else, so pardon that it's a bit cliché )
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Tuesday, August 2nd, 2005	Read this until the end because it gets better. I promise. I'm maddd tired. Tired as a...tired person. See? I can't even come up with something clever. That's how tired I am. Usually when I write at this time of night, something witty or just plain mad (like plaid pears) comes out of it. So, I'm writing. Nothing unusual so far, except for the image of plaid pears (No I'm not on drugs, and that may be the problem). Now I'm going (not gong, which is what I just wrote, and I always get the image of a Chinese gong going "GONG" because that's the sound they make)..now I'm going to write whatever comes to mind. Which seems to be..pears and Chinese gongs. I don't like pears, but I for damn sure wish I had a gong. That would totally rock. I could open my window and ring it, and scare the living FUCK out of my sketchy neighbors. (That'd be payback for them driving garbage trucks home at 4AM and waking me up 2 hours after I've fallen asleep, and also for the 19 cars in their yard that I have to stare at). My neighbors would make a good story, because we have weird connections to them...because they're weird people. They have this daughter who died last year...she was married to a guy who was the reason we started locking our house. Before they lived there, the guy's brother lived there, and he was a fugitive. Once, he came over to borrow pliers to get porcupine quills out of his dog's nose. He was a drunk, and his wife was totally fucked up. They had a daughter that I used to play with, and I think she was abused, because remembering...she acted odd. Oversexed. The guy that lives there now...once he spent two hours helping my dad get his truck out of a snowbank. His daughter brought me a bunny once because she thought their dog killed our rabbit. (It didn't but I still wanted the bunny. My dad wouldn't let me keep it, and I still kind of resent him for it). The daughter's name was Ashley, and she had Cystic Fibrosis. She died when she was nineteen. His son died last year, and he was about 22. He had CF too, and he'd had a lung transplant. He could also disappear into thin air...I saw him do it. (Or rather, I didn't see him do it...he was dis-appeared). The son's name was Jason, and he was a scary man; I think knowing that he was going to die fucked with his head. Now there's one guy who lives there with his two young-ish sons, one of whom also has CF. CF is transmitted through the mother, and she was a Jehovah's Witness, and they don't believe in birth control. Therefore, she kept having kids who were doomed to an early death. My neighbor, whose name is Lyle, has nineteen cars, a school bus, a motorcycle, and a camper in his yard. He also has two dogs who aren't friendly. His two young sons play on and in and around the rusting-out cars, yelling and screaming. I'm always convinced that they're going to get tetanus from those cars. He says every one is "road ready", but every car needs at least one part. What is it about broken people that makes them collect broken things? Maybe they're just bound and determined to fix something, and they know it won't be themselves. Lyle's mother, Marie, comes to the house often. She's quite overweight, and she smokes. She sits outside in a lawn chair and smokes and coughs. She lets the dog wander around, and when she lets it off its leash, it promptly comes into our yard and bothers our chickens. Her solution to this problem is to holler in her smoke-sodden voice for it to come back. It hasn't listened yet. The guy who was a fugitive lives there on and off too...his name is Timmy. He's just creepy beyond belief, and not trustworthy. (He was a fugitive, so I guess that explained it, but still). I remember one time, one of their kittens ran over to our house and hid in our woodpile when it rained. I fed it french fries and gravy, which it liked. Then we returned it to its home in the abandoned school bus. They had a lot of cats once, but they probably all ran away to somewhere with more food. They also had this big black rabbit which used to come and commiserate with our rabbits. I called him Fiver, after the rabbit in Watership Down. We have a big spotted cat named Wump, who also liked to commiserate with the rabbits, probably discussing stew recipes with them. Rabbits, however, are very territorial, and when Fiver saw Wump bothering our bunnies, he CHASED, yes chased, poor Wumpy across the lawn. He scratched him on his head, and Wump has never felt as dignified since. (It didn't help that he saw me doubled over laughing as he raced for his furry little life by our kitchen window). Oh, Lyle also shot one of our horses. On purpose, but it was on a request. Our horse Jerez (Jezzy) was having a seizure, and he was dying. My mother went and got Lyle, who shot the horse in the head. He didn't feel pain that way, and the seizure would have been an awful way to go. So, Lyle might be odd, but he's good people. It's the rest of the family I'm not sure about.
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Monday, August 1st, 2005
Monday, August 1st, 2005	Sur-veh. Stolen from jeezis ( for the sake of y'all )
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Sunday, July 31st, 2005
Sunday, July 31st, 2005	Tom Petty rox my sox. Let me run with you tonight I’ll take you on a moonlight ride There’s someone I used to see But she don’t give a damn for me But let me get to the point, let’s roll another joint And tu rn the radio loud, I’m too alone to be proud You don’t know how it feels You don’t know how it feels to be me People come, people go Some grow young, some grow cold I woke up in between A memory and a dream So let’s get to the point, let’s roll another joint Let’s head on down the road There’s somewhere I gotta go And you don’t know how it feels You don’t know how it feels to be me My old man was born to rock He’s still tryin’ to beat the clock Think of me what you will I got a little space to fill So let’s get to the point, let’s roll another joint Let’s head on down the road There’s somewhere I gotta go And you don’t know how it feels No, you don’t know how it feels to be me
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Friday, July 29th, 2005
Friday, July 29th, 2005	"Dreams is just nightmares that ain't got good writers".
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Friday, July 29th, 2005	Ninety-six! ( Put an x by all the movies you've seen. If you've seen more than 70, you're a movie whore! )
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Thursday, July 28th, 2005
Thursday, July 28th, 2005	If I were the kind of girl that got dates, I'd be a shallow disaster. But I'm not; I'm the kind that gets relationships, hang-ups and all, plunked into my lap. I get the men that tell me they once put a gun in their mouth, breathe, and then say "I wasn't planning on spending the rest of my life with you". I get the lengthy breakdowns, the overdrawn fantasies, the broken-down boys who fly when I refuse to clip their wings and pray for loyalty. I've almost accepted that I'm a healer, not a lover; I fix what's wrong and then let them go, and lie on my rug weeping for something that I'm not even sure I wanted. I've got the deep-end disasters. Fuck swimming pools. Fuck metaphor. Give me good-looking man and a bottle of vodka and a good place to keep the helping part of me where it can't get out and clean up the vomit he passes out in. Somebody, give me a little less sympathy. you're just a melting melting candle wick thin and flame-quick eye-blue persuasions stay with me like the drugs you offer up appease the soul in me that wants your body (just your body) I know if I really knew you I couldn't stand your mind we're just slot machines to you push the right buttons see what you can take I'll let you steal me away and leave me lacking because your smile takes me back takes me up into a memory where we were laughing.
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Tuesday, July 26th, 2005
Tuesday, July 26th, 2005	This song is beautiful, but so sad: two kids my daddy’s house is the safest of houses he sealed up the windows so no air gets in and there’s plenty of campbell’s and beers in the basement in case we can’t get to the store or something and my daddy told me that some people hate us they even hate me, and i’m just a kid i asked how come, but he didn’t answer so i started thinking it was something i did -arabic text here- i have a bed with a superman blanket he’s not afraid of the dark like me sometimes i can’t fall asleep when i’m supposed to i’m thinking about something i saw on tv there was this house in a field full of houses it was the bad guys living in there but i saw this kid looking out from the window and he didn’t look bad, he only looked scared
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Sunday, July 24th, 2005
Sunday, July 24th, 2005	( girliness behind this cut...abandon hope all ye who enter here! )
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Sunday, July 24th, 2005	NEW HAIR!!! I dyed my hair! It looks hawwwwwwwt! Lookie! ( here we go again... )
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Sunday, July 24th, 2005	Survey The Teen Stereotype Do you drink [alcohol]?: yes I do Do you party a lot? I love parties, but there aren't many around here. Do you use drugs for recreational purposes?: Yes How often do you use the F word like in an average hour?: Not much, I'd rather be seen as intelligent than angry, thankyouverymuch. Do you skip classes? How often?: Yes, I did when I was in school. Do you have casual sex? Protected?: Casual sex sometimes (until I got a b/f again) and protected ALWAYS. Do you steal?: no. karma is a bizzatch. Do you wear inappropriate clothing?: does wearing a negligee to get the mail count? Do you drool over celebrities?: If it's Johnny Depp or James Dean! Do you watch a lot of TV?: Nosir. Do you ever watch the News?: Yes, sometimes. Do you even care about world issues?: Very much so. Do you read books often?: yes Are you failing a lot of your classes?: none, as I don't have any. Do you spend most of your time with your friends?: yes Do you smoke cigarettes?: yes Do you hang out a lot in malls, or at Seven Elevens?: Ick no. Do you often find yourself with a crush on someone?: Nopers. Do you cuss a lot?: see above "f-word" answer. Are you desperate to fit in?: Ewww no. Are you intelligent?: Yes, very. The Goth Stereotype Black lipstick?: no Black eyeliner?: yes. Black eyeshadow?: no Black trenchcoat?: I am much too short to pull off a trenchcoat, and it's July. Black boots?: no, but black sneakers... Black fishnets?: Naw Black nail polish?: Nope Cigarettes?: yes. Heavy metal music?: sometimes Marilyn Manson?: Sometimes Kittie?: no Cradle of Filth?: no Constant frown and perpetual angst?: frowning causes wrinkles. Do you like to be seen as: as a person. hopefully female. Are you an intellectual?: yes An atheist?: no Horrible home life?: it's, well...."interesting". Hopelessly depressed?: I'm not hopeless... Self-mutilation?: not anymore The Punk Stereotype Plaid?: maybe.... Big black boots?: no Mohawk?: not any more Excessive piercings? [Especially facial]: my nose, and I want my eyebrow Loud, confident and opinionated?: yes Wild hair colors?: sort of.... NOFX?: yes Rancid?: Tim Armstrong is teh sexxx Well versed on political scandals and outrages?:Yes The Jock Sterotype What's your IQ?: High...like 140 Do you watch a lot of sports?: Baseball Play a lot of sports?: no Talk a lot about sports?: no Do you do anything, really, but think about sports?: yes. I think about not thinking about sports. Are you arrogant?: sometimes, but not in a serious way. Are you a male or female whore?: No, I am not a whore. Are you homophobic?: no Do you tease other people a lot because you want to seem confident?: no But really you're a quivering mass of insecurity? no Boobs ? there are two of them on my chest. Parties? are fun Dropping out of high school and flipping burgers? well....I'm not in school, and I work on an assembly line...but it was due to the money more than the stupidity. The Girl Stereotype Do you spend a lot of time on your appearence?: I spent 2 hours getting my hair dyed yesterday. Make yourself throw up?: no, unless I'm too drunk and want to sober up. Make-up?: Ohhh yes Do you flip your hair when you talk, even if you don't realize it?: maybe sometimes? Giggle a lot?: Haha What's the deal with boys?: They have a penis and far more testosterone than I...they also have a Y chromosome that I lack. Pretty bras?: Haha yeppers. YM, Teen, Cosmo, et al?: COSMO! haha yep..but I prefer Jane. Who's the weaker sex?: The one that loses at arm wrestling, duh. Are you a feminist?: yes Do you think Brad Pitt is hot?: mmhmm, especially in Fight Club (I love hipbones!) Are you emotional?: yes This Or That [Oh, that old coconut] Originality or Acceptance?: originality Independence or Companionship?: Independence, I wouldn't want to be trapped. Stability or Freedom?: freedom Personal or Interpersonal?: Interpersonal, lately. Introvert or Extrovert?: inextrovert. Popularity or Isolation?: If you're popular for the right reasons, it's cool, I guess. Unique or Loved?: unique Understood or Individual?: individual You or Them?: Meeeeeeee!
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Sunday, July 24th, 2005	Changing my LJ name...it will be figlia_di_fuoco. So don't be weirded out when it shows up on your friends list.
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