Symphony word-player, I’ll be your headline.

Fri, 17 Jul 2009 01:49:20 GMT

I think once I had something like genius
cradled in my hand
a featherless bird of a thing
I traded all my tears
and all my words
happiness seems
dumber (mute-er)
my angry shaking fist has slackened
listless, my words stumble to a halt.

we lie

Thu, 12 Jun 2008 19:25:43 GMT

we lie you and I
awake in the muttering dawn
your smile so bright that the room shies from it
the windowpane wavers with sun upon it
we lie you and I
awake in the muttering dawn

we lie you and I
to each other ourselves and the world
shaping our lives from shards into curls
pretending our jagged-glass words are pearls
we lie you and I
to each other
ourselves
and the world

A Question of Faith

Thu, 12 Jun 2008 19:16:12 GMT

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about faith. I wish I had more of it-I lack faith in myself, not to mention faith in a higher power. I was once a very spiritual person and now I feel like my belief in things has slipped away from me; I love my son dearly but his birth has not renewed my belief in God. Often I feel that if there is a God, He isn't taking very good care of us! We are good people and our lives are HARD...I wish I could be one of those who gives my troubles up and knows that someone will handle my worries. The fact that I have to be the handler of worries for my son just emphasizes my feeling of spiritual drought...I'm wandering, I know.
With my upcoming marriage I feel a desperate need to reclaim the unwavering belief that used to fill me...I don't even know where to start.

Larry the Cable Guy goes to the lake.

Thu, 12 Jun 2008 19:02:04 GMT

Fri, 04 Apr 2008 17:12:13 GMT

So el bambino is finally sleeping-he's exhausted, poor little dude. He had a verrrrrry cranky morning and totally wore himself out.
I took him to the park yesterday-he swung on the swings and loved it! He giggled the whole time. I haven't written anything in a long time-I'm a victim of "mommy brain" which makes me basically non-functional on a cerebral level.

sometimes we're reaching
with sleep-leaded lids
fatigue-drenched arms
blindly creeping towards tomorrow

if I were ivy I'd never stop climbing
my feet would be planted
my veins would be vining
as I stretched towards the sun
with my roots entwining

I know neither of them are any good, and I really don't like rhyming poetry. It's harder to channel the melodic cynic in my soul these days now that it's no longer drenched in nicotine and veiled with insomnia.

North Carolinaaaaaa!

Sat, 04 Mar 2006 16:07:06 GMT

That would be where I am (it's also a song by Pety Pablo that gets stuck in my head EVERY TIME I tell somebody where I live...dammit). Yeah, I moved to North Carolina. Not by myself...with Kelly. It's warm here...sandals in March rock my socks...except literally...because socks with sandals are for OLD MEN. Yes, I'm babbling...but what else is new? So, how is everybody? TELL ME!!! (please). I miss y'all like whoa, especially one girl with initials A.E.A. (yes Dave I miss you too even though I didn't put your initials, and that's because you won't tell anyone what your middle name is, so I don't know your initials!) Well if anyone wants to call me, I have the celly still, and the same #, so if you forgot it...ask me. I'll tell ya if I like ya (and know you...I don't need any stalkers, thanks). Ciao for now.

Sun, 25 Dec 2005 20:10:42 GMT

when you get down to the bottom of my voice
that's where I'll slick sweet-talk you
cage you
send you looking skyward
mulling on my vocal rumblings
blind yourself on my teeth

Breath Control

Sun, 25 Dec 2005 20:04:18 GMT

now we're lines of milk-fed shimmer
white nuclei falling over glimpses of phrase
trying to untangle our tongues enough to explain our epiphanies
soft-sweet sweating twos
climb and intertwine my legs to your torso over our fatigue
you make me a dilated pupil
wide open and trusting
fragile for you.

Sun, 25 Dec 2005 19:52:27 GMT

Well...it's Christmas again. Kelly and I came down from E. Hardwick last night...he's gone back already because he had to work. I'm not going back until Tuesday..shopping with the sister tomorrow. Good times even if it is hectic.

Thu, 27 Oct 2005 01:43:23 GMT

Two Names You Go By
1. Sarah
2. Marvin

Two Parts of Your Heritage
1. French
2. English

Two Things That Scare You
1. Suicide
2. Bugs

Two of Your Everyday Essentials
1. Shower
2. Toothbrush

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now
1. Mountain Goats t-shirt
2. Levi's

Two of Your Favorite Bands or Musical Artists (at the moment)
1. The Mountain Goats
2. Sage Francis

Two of Your Favorite Songs - at the moment
1. "Soul Meets Body"-Death Cab for Cutie
2. "Breathe"-Anna Nalick

Two Things You Want in a Relationship (other than Real Love)
1. Trust
2. Happiness

Two Truths
1. I don't do laundry nearly as often as I should.
2. I want to be a surgeon (but I NEVER want to grow up).

Two Physical Things that Appeal to You
1. good shape
2. well-groomed

Two of Your Favorite Hobbies
1. Writing
2. Snowboarding

Two Things You Want Really Badly
1. More money
2. My car fixed

Two Places You Want to go on Vacation
1. Italy
2. Jamaica

Two Things You Want to Do Before You Die
1. See Italy
2. Own a house

Two Ways that you are stereotypically a Chick/Guy
1. I take the blame for everything.
2. I love guys.

Two Things You Normally Wouldn't Admit
1. I take a lot more shit from people than I ought to.
2. I overreact a lot.
Two Things You Are Thinking About Now
1. How nuts my boyfriend is.
2. How I shouldn't eat the rest of the bag of potato chips that's sitting in front of me.

Two Stores You Shop At
1. Um....erm....vans.com
2. the Salvation Army.

Two people I would like to see take this quiz
1. anybody
2. anybody else

Two people I haven't talked to in a while!
1. Greg
2. Dave

Fri, 21 Oct 2005 21:11:53 GMT

it isn't early
isn't late
but it's still
too early to miss you
too late to see you
too much tomorrow to dwell on today
and we're missing and lost and too late to be
early.

While I wait for David or 5:45, whichever arrives first.

Fri, 21 Oct 2005 20:33:29 GMT

Sunday was about as bi-polar as my brain, but so interesting that I find a pressing need to tell you of it. I was home with my family for all of Sunday, or rather, in the presence of family. I spent most of my Sunday riding or driving in a car to and from Hardwick, which is where I live at the moment. I arrived back home Sunday afternoon intending to collect my belongings and situate myself elsewhere (David had been angry at me and other things and decided that the best way to deal with said situation would be to make my life a living hell, something he does deftly and without much guilt, much to my dismay). However, when I called him on the phone to tell him this piece of information, he was puzzled and rather hurt, telling me that ending our relationship wasn't something that he wanted at all. I agreed to travel back to the house (this is a two-hour drive, mind you, no small task when you're tired and recovering from the stomach flu) and talk to him. When I arrived he told me he had missed me and didn't want me to leave, and also agreed to the terms I laid out for him regarding our relationship. Figuring I had nothing to lose, I wasn't hesitant to throw down a few ultimatums. In return, he made a few of his own, and we agreed to re-embark on our relationship journey with new boundaries in mind and in the air. I got back to the house around eight, and we didn't do much at all for awhile. When his mother left for work, around ten, we chopped up nearly an eighth of mushrooms and made tea, and proceeded to trip face for the next four hours or so. David had never taken mushrooms and his behavior was priceless; he kept asking me if the things he was seeing and hearing were real, as he couldn't tell for himself. (They usually were, but they were abnormally funny anyway). We went to bed at about 2 AM and didn't get out of bed until late the next afternoon. Our relationship has been progressing smoothly and without incident ever since...it's like he's a different person, but I don't object. He's different in a good way. Anyway, that was Sunday. Monday through Thursday was mostly uneventful aside from a game of strip poker that was highly entertaining. I have to work tonight and am not looking forward to it, but I also intend to come home after and convince David to rub my back (yeah, right). So ends a week that's been better than most. Signing off.

Fri, 14 Oct 2005 16:53:22 GMT

you swung the car door open
with a smile that could hold up a Seven-Eleven
glowed dangerous and sharp like you'd been eating glass
our problem is that you are of this world
and I don't want to be
you have no real contentions anymore
everyone watched you make your
(metaphorical)
bed
and you won't just lay
so you lie
through your glass-shard teeth
and hold up my heart
like a cheap
Seven-Eleven souveneir.

Fri, 14 Oct 2005 16:40:07 GMT

so trace the paths for where you thought we'd go
see how far our tree has branched out from its trunk
we've split and there's no lightning metaphor
so sleep-away and tell me
nothing
truncated tales make our conversations
and we're a felled forest.

Thu, 13 Oct 2005 19:47:54 GMT

He says:
I want
someone that's caring, honest and charming. Someone I can laugh with. Someone who will love me for who I am.

I can be that.

Wed, 05 Oct 2005 17:15:33 GMT

we were
twin long forms after I talked you down
you let me touch you
without pushing me away
are you afraid to love me or
afraid that
I won't love you back?

Wed, 05 Oct 2005 16:07:54 GMT

I can still smell you on my fingers
your skin beneath my nails
I want to
scrub my hands raw
but instead I lie
despondent in our sex-stained sheets
so I can feel you.

Random shards

Wed, 05 Oct 2005 15:30:18 GMT

Some three-AM revelation came to me before dawn breathed on the windows; early it trickled through the stress and the fatigue. Still, it lingers in the head-stage, where I don't know it down to the ground.

Through the subconscious teachings of my mother, I cling to things that are bound and determined to die. I'm so convinced of my own inability to function as a single entity, I travel from man to man like an electrical impulse leaping neuron-electron-neuron. Positive-negative-positive. Two AM arguments and the car sputters awake when the cold of midnight still lingers in the seats and on the keys. We're trapped in our own incompetence and my desire to escape still isn't as great as my desire to be loved by someone who has forgotten how to love.

I'm sitting on the edge of our bed listening to my boyfriend practice lying to his parole officer. The words seem to fall out of his mouth; they are his own and convincing enough because they need to be so that we can sleep assured of our safety, at least for the night. The stakes are high for him; if he's convincing, he keeps his freedom. If he isn't, he goes to jail. Two years of jail. He wouldn't walk away an old man, but he would walk away a hardened one. A man shackled by fear isn't a man at all. He is Alex from A Clockwork Orange, a living breathing machine-man ruled solely by the desires of others.

My nails are running up and down his back biting into his skin while he shakes and mutters, and afterwards, we make love. It's the first time we have done so. Not the first time we've had sex, no. It's the first time we've done anything with passion; the only time we've been seeking something less tangible than physical pleasure. This time, I breathe his breath and taste his sweat. It will be the only time I do so; passion and fear are very close, and he rarely acknowledges either.

Les questions tres important (that was ALL French, minus les accents corrige).

Thu, 29 Sep 2005 23:08:15 GMT

1. My uncle once: Wrapped his truck around a telephone pole and bent it into a U. (the truck).

2. Never in my life: have I dated a felon...until now.

3. When I was five: I lived in a trailer with my parents.
4. High School was/is: mostly pointless and saturated in drugs.
6. I once met: A guy who claimed to have thirteen children.
7. There's this girl I know who: Should be shot.
8. Once, at a bar: My friend Stevie got thrown out (literally) by the bouncer.
9. By noon I'm usually: awake.

10. Last night: I watched half an hour of Dazed and Confused before the DVD got stuck and we gave up and went to bed.

12. Next time I go to church: I'll either be at a wedding or a funeral.

13. Terry Schiavo: was way over-publicized.

15. When I turn my head left, A blue wall with a crucifix on it.

16. When I turn my head right, I see: the couch.

18. How many days until my birthday?: like...eight months.

19. If I was a character written by Shakespeare: I'd be terribly bored unless I was crazy.
20. By this time next year: I'll be living in an apartment with David.

21. A better name for me would be: Oh, I don't know.

22. I have a hard time understanding: Why my boyfriend does nine-tenths of the things he does.

23. If I ever go back to school I'll: Have to take out more loans.
24. You know I like you if: I attempt to hang out with you one-on-one.

25. If I won an award, the first person I'd thank would be: bob the biker hippie.
26. Darwin, Mozart, Slim Pickens & Geraldine Ferraro: This spectrum travels neatly from genius to insanity. How suspiciously convenient.
27. Take my advice: Use your e-brake when you park on a hill.

28. My ideal breakfast is: a bagel...I suppose.
29. A song I love, but do not have is: Fall Out Boy: Sugar, We're Goin' Down.
30. If you visit my hometown, I suggest: You turn around and go somewhere that the roads are paved.
31. Tulips, character flaws, microchips & track stars: all have room for improvement.
32. Why won't anyone: give me a cigarette?

33. If you spend the night at my house: you'd have to fight the dog for the couch.

34. I'd stop my wedding if: it turned out my fiance was really a robot from Mars.

35. The world could do without: paranoia and racism.

36. I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: lick the belly of two cockroaches.
37. My favorite blonde is: my little sister. (aw).
38. Paper clips are more useful than: marshmallows.

39. If I do anything well, it's: usually a surprise to everyone including me.

40. And by the way: I have to pee again. Dammit.
41. The last time I was drunk, I: Wasn't as drunk as I wanted to be. Then I threw up in a paper cup....ewwwwwwwwww.

Thu, 29 Sep 2005 22:47:44 GMT

Goddamn you half-Japanese girls
Do it to me every time
Oh, the redhead said you shred the cello
And I'm jello, baby
But you won't talk, won't look, won't think of me
I'm the epitome of public enemy
Why you wanna go and do me like that?
Come down on the street and dance with me

I'm a lot like you so please, hello, I'm here, I'm waiting
I think I'd be good for you and you'd be good for me

I asked you to go to the Green Day concert
You said you never heard of them (how cool is that)
How cool is that?
So I went to your room and read your diary:
Watching Grunge leg drop New-Jack through a presstable...
And then my heart stopped:
Listening to Cio-Cio San, fall in love all over again.

I'm a lot like you so please, hello, I'm here, I'm waiting
I think I'd be good for you and you'd be good for me

How stupid is it? I can't talk about it
I gotta sing about it and make a record of my heart
How stupid is it? Won't you gimme a minute
Just come up to me
And say hello to my heart
How stupid is it? For all I know you want me too
And maybe you just don't know what to do
Or maybe you're scared to say: 'I'm falling for you'

I wish I could get my head out of the sand
Cos I think we'd make a good team
And you would keep my fingernails clean
But that's just a stupid dream that I won't realize
Cos I can't even look in your eyes without shaking, and I ain't
faking
I'll bring home the turkey if you bring home the bacon

I'm a lot like you so please, hello, I'm here, I'm waiting
I think I'd be good for you and you'd be good for me

I'm a lot like you
I'm a lot like you
I'm a lot like you
And I'm waiting
I think I'd be good for you and you'd be good for me

Thu, 29 Sep 2005 22:18:07 GMT

Dios mio! Life is as confusing as ever. My boyfriend is currently missing...last seen wandering a golf course in the rain. (Okay, so I left him there...but I told him I would, and he said he'd make his own way home). Now, he's totally not where he's supposed to be, which wouldn't worry me so much if it weren't a condition of his parole. As it is, he needs to go the places he says he will, or he goes to jail for two years. Yeppers, that's not an amount of time to joke about. No, he wouldn't get out early for good behavior; the condition of his parole is that if he violates any of the terms of his probation, he serves his minimum. He's been sanctioned twice already...three strikes and you're out. I hope I just missed him...rrgghh. Oh well, he'll be home by eight...he has to be. He doesn't fuck around with that, at least. I have a job, but it's only part-time at the Hardwick diner. I wash dishes. (ew). I applied for a housekeeping (I always think of David Spade going "'ousekeeping!" in Tommy Boy when I say that word) job at Top Notch resort in Stowe. It's a very good job with excellent benefits including dental, medical and a 401k after 3 months. After six months, they pay seventy percent of your medical expenses. That'd be nice. Nice nice nice. Alrighty, I'm madd tired, though it's early. Off to go give myself cancer and such, I suppose. (Must stay awake until eight...dammit).

Picture!

Fri, 23 Sep 2005 13:46:45 GMT

There's just one picture here. For any of you who happened to be wondering what David looks like, here's a pic that his aunt took when we went camping. (Those of you who know me personally should look anyway, so that you can be shocked and possibly appalled at the amount of makeup I'm wearing. Beware, it's a helluva lot).

Poetry

Fri, 23 Sep 2005 13:36:02 GMT

You, babydoll

somehow now I'm
all the things I said
"I'll never"
to.
Some sex-scented pandering homebody
you should hear how I
catch myself
time and again.

It's you, babydoll
In my head
in my breath
in my blood.

It's your ground-down teeth and sleep-drenched laughter.

The way you know
just what you can say.

You'll never say "I love you"
probably.

You'll never leave me, though.

I'm settled now;
settled into something that we both see as safety.

I'll be your safety-net
I'll be your orgasm machine.

Only for you,
babydoll.

Tue, 20 Sep 2005 17:27:45 GMT

LJ Interests meme results

big and rich:
A goofy country band that does that song "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy". I grew up in a hick town, so my life was pretty saturated with country music. Big and Rich just make me laugh, and they remind me of good times at college. (I'm not against riding cowboys, either!)
chillin':
I think this one is self-explanatory.
dancing:
Also pretty self-explanatory. I like to go clubbing and have a good time, but I also did modern dance for four years and I dabbled in African dance as well.
eyes:
The eyes are the window to the soul. Everyone's eyes are different, and I think that they're the most beautiful part of any body.
lying in bed:
I love beds. Whenever I lie there, I think of the Edwin McCain song "I'll Be" and the line "Rain falls, angry on the tin roof, as we lie awake in my bed". The ambiguity of the statement, as well as the image, gets me every time.
nirvana:
THE greatest grunge-rock band ever. And Kurt Cobain is a sexy sexy man, I don't care what anyone else says.
protesting:
I'm a vocal person, what can I say?
skipping school:
Doesn't really apply, since I'm not in school any more.
snowboarding:
I haven't really been snowboarding in about a year, but it's one of my passions (though I'm not very good). I have a Burton snowboard and lots of Burton gear (support your local businesses, people!) I subscribe to Snowboarding magazine, and I watch the X-Games every year.
the cheesecake factory:
The best place to get any kind of cheesecake you could imagine.

Enter your LJ user name, and 10 interests will be selected from your interest list.

Wed, 14 Sep 2005 17:31:17 GMT

Well, this weekend was mildly exciting. Friday night David and I stayed over at his cousin Matt's house, and did many illegal things (VERY illegal for David, but that's beside the point) and didn't go to bed until 6 AM. Saturday, I was cleaning out my car, and I went to go ask Matt where I ought to put the garbage...when I turned around again, the car was gone. GONE. I went running back...scene was as follows.

Me: "MATT! MAAAAAAAAAATT! The car is rolling down the HILLLLLL!"
Matt: "WTF????"
(Matt and Sarah go hurtling toward the car).
David: "What's going on? What are you...OH SHIT!"

All three: "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

(Sounds of crashing and breaking glass).

So, the car had raced itself down a hill and into the neighbor's garage, going about 40 mph. Yep, 40. I was...less than delighted, let's just say. The car, being a total tank, is pretty much fine; it broke a headlight and the hood got a little bent. The garage is totalled. The entire door got taken out along with the corner of the garage. Luckily, I'm insured.

Sunday, I went to go see my parents. I took David along, since he'd never met them blah blah blah. They gave me a check for $200. Awfully nice of them. I also got a refund check from my college (former college) for $410.27. I was quite pleased, since I was really really broke and needed the money. I'm still really really broke and need money, but I don't owe quite so much money now. Thank goodness. So that was my much-too-eventful weekend. David no longer trusts me anywhere near my car, and I can't say I blame him. Eeep.